FreeTruth

In my experience, men are much more likely than women to have problems with sinful anger. Not only that, but in our flesh we tend to blame our wives for anything and everything that goes wrong in our daily lives. Who could blame our wives for wanting to change that dynamic?

Recently, I ran across some thoughts on anger in the book, The Divine Conspiracy, by Dallas Willard. Here’s part of what he has to say:

The answer to (the) question of why people embrace anger and cultivate it is one we must not miss if we are to understand the ways of the human heart. Anger indulged, instead of simply waved off, always has in it an element of self-righteousness and vanity. Find a person who has embraced anger, and you find a person with a wounded ego….

Only this element of self-righteousness can support me as I retain my anger long after the occasion of it or allow its intensity to heat to the point of totally senseless rage. To rage on I must regard myself as mistreated or as engaged in the rectification of an unbearable wrong, which I all too easily do.

Anger embraced is, accordingly, inherently disintegrative of human personality and life. It does not have to be specifically "acted out" to poison the world…. All our mental and emotional resources are marshaled to nurture and tend the anger, and our body throbs with it. Energy is dedicated to keeping the anger alive: we constantly remind ourselves of how wrongly we have been treated. And when it is allowed to govern our actions, of course, its evil is quickly multiplied in heartrending consequences and in the replication of anger and rage in the hearts and bodies of everyone it touches."

Been there? I have, and it breaks my heart to recall how often I inflicted emotional wounds on those I love as a result. I think we men are especially prone to this sin, and would want to encourage anyone reading this that there is both forgiveness and restoration if we surrender to the Spirit of God. If you realize you need help feel free to contact me or any of the pastors or care group leaders.

The part about my wife getting a new husband? Pat and I were walking and talking a while back (probably over a year ago) and reflecting on things we’d been through, including my sinful anger, when she made the comment, “I feel like I have a new husband.” Talk about amazing grace!

Know a woman who needs a new husband?

by Tim Bowditch

Labels: Anger, Guest Post, Marriage

Strange question, you might be thinking. But I need to tell you that mine did. And according to her own observation, she got one. That kind of statement deserves an explanation.

I’m still thinking about our wives’ beauty and our responsibility to enhance it. There’s nothing I can think of that diminishes a woman’s beauty quicker than having to live with an angry husband. You can see the burden in her countenance, at least when the anger has flared up. And you can see it when she is unfairly blamed for everything that goes wrong in his world. After all, we are all sons of our father, Adam, who blamed Eve for his sin--when he wasn’t blaming God, that is!

For years, many years, I struggled with anger that was intermittently uncontrollable. I told myself it wasn’t all that bad, and most who knew me casually would have agreed. But Pat knew better, and even suggested to me at least once or twice that I get professional help, a suggestion I resisted. I could do this on my own.

I tried different things to gain mastery over the anger, including making a list of all the verses I could find in Proverbs about angry men (an exercise that I’d recommend to anyone who could use some insight in this area), and taking it to my office where I’d read it at least daily. There was some improvement over time, but the most important single factor for me did turn out to be professional help--the help of studying my anger under the guidance of David Powlison at the Christian Counseling and Educational Foundation. The context was a self-counseling project that was done in connection with the foundational course in CCEF’s two year certificate program in Biblical Counseling.

To say the project was helpful would be a huge understatement. One of the most helpful insights was that all my anger (and all yours, too, if you think biblically about it) was and is directed at God. For who is the one Being in all creation big enough to have ordered the details of my life differently--more to my liking? Once I was confronted by that, real progress became not only possible, but necessary. Ultimately it led to my sharing the story in a message I gave at TFC several years ago, and that in itself was a significant part of the process.

More in the next post, including the explanation of my wife’s new husband.

by Tim Bowditch

Labels: Anger, Guest Post, Marriage